Akatsuki Babysitters!
by AkiraDawn
Summary: Akatsuki is babysitting 'the leaders' two children: A seven year old and an eleven year old. Need I say more? Expect lots of child care inexperience. R&R! Rated for Language. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1 Meet Dimitri and Helena

Akatsuki Babysitters

As promised, here is the first chapter of a very funny babysitting adventure. I hope you enjoy it!

Some Background…

Every year, 'the leader' and his wife go to the annual Little Italy Festival where they drink a while lot of wine, eat a lot of Italian food, and pretty much stay away until late at night. Whenever they go on this trip, they leave their two kids 7 year old Helena and 11 year old Dimitri with Akatsuki…this year is no exception. It seems that Akatsuki wouldn't make the best childcare providers, but whatever….

"The kids are going to be here in 20 minutes! Quick put away all the alcohol bottles, put the kunais in the closet, get those condoms off the counter!" Sasori the house wife was frantically cleaning and making certain the apartment was child friendly. There was a knock at the door…Helena and Dimitri had arrived…

"Boys, thanks for keeping the kids today. My wife and I will be back late tonight." The leader said. He handed Sasori a large sum of money for looking after the kids.

"Okay, we'll see you when you get back tonight!" Sasori reassured 'the leader'. And so Helena and Dimitri stepped inside the apartment carrying bunches and bunches of things in their arms. Itachi looked at them a little freaked out. He always got nervous when they babysat….even though he had watched Sasuke all the time when they were small and adorable. Deidara always looked forward to babysitting day, Helena was in love with Deidara because he had blonde hair just like her. Neither Hidan, Kakuzu or Tobi had ever babysat before. Sasori was an excellent snack maker, Zetsu told elaborate bedtime stories and Kisame well he looked like a shark so that was pretty entertaining.

"Um….Hi Helena…Hi Dimitri." Sasori said tentatively.

"Hi Sasori." Helena said softly.

"Hi." Dimitri said. After the awkward introduction, the kids came into the apartment. Itachi hid behind Deidara who was smiling all over because Helena was smiling at him.

"Deidara….will you please braid my hair?" the precious seven year old asked politely.

"Of course, I will, yeah. Come here Helena."

"Will you braid, Matilda's hair too?" Matilda was Helena's doll.

"Yes, I will, yeah." Deidara answered her. She outreached her arms towards him and waited for Deidara to scoop her off the ground.

"Hey! Let's go throw baseball!" Dimitri said to Itachi with shining eyes, well Itachi freaked out.

"Um….sports aren't really my thing. But, Hidan will go with you." So Hidan tentatively took Dimitri outside to throw the baseball. Sasori immediately got to work in the kitchen.

"So what are you going to make?" Kisame asked.

"Only the one thing that all kids love…macaroni and cheese with sliced up hot dogs." Sasori answered.

"Dude, that sounds awesome!" Kisame said. Tobi kept on babbling like an idiot about how honored he was hat Akatsuki was an organization that supported kids. Little did Tobi know that Akatsuki got paid $40.00 an hour to watch the kids.

Hidan and Dimitri weren't having success with baseball, Hidan couldn't throw a ball if his life depended on it, however Dimitri was running all over the place trying to catch it and having a blast.

"Helena, do you want one braid or two, yeah?" Deidara sweetly asked the little girl. He had her in his lap.

"Well, I want two, but Matilda wants one and Matilda needs her hair braided first." Helena declared. Itachi was watching this, rolling his eyes, yet intrigued by Deidara's paternal knack. And so, Deidara took Helena's doll and braided her hair. However, when Deidara began to brush out Helena's hair…it happened…the one thing Deidar hadn't expected to happen…she asked…the question…

"Deidara, can I asked you a question?" she wondered.

"Sure you can ask me a question, yeah." Deidara said separating her hair.

"Well, my daddy doesn't answer this question, he turns a funny color."

"Okay, yeah."

"Where do babies come from?" Itachi's eyes nearly popped out of his head and Deidara froze….babysitting just got a little more complicated… 


	2. Chapter 2 The Talk and Oh, the Questions

Hidan and Dimitri had come back inside from throwing the baseball.

"Hidan, I watched you throw the whole time you were down there with him….you suck ass! Not only are you a sucky ball thrower, but the fact that you INSIST on chanting religious chants before you throw it back to the kid? God! You are such an idiot!" Kakuzu argued with Hidan.

"Shut up Kakuzu! You can't talk like that in front of an 11 year old, really!" Hidan yelled. Kakuzu gave him the 'whatever' eye roll and walked off. "Hey, Dimitri seriously, do you like to play cards?" Hidan asked. Once again, he had found the perfect way to entertain the boy.

Deidara regained composure and decided to do what was best. "Well, Helena, it all starts with…oh!" Itachi slapped Deidara in the head.

"You moron! You can't tell a seven year old girl where babies come from! What are you fucking crazy?" Deidara gasped and covered the seven year old's ears.

"Itachi! You stupid ass you can't say fuck in front of her, yeah!" Deidara snapped at him.

"I don't see why not, you're going to tell her how to fuck!" Itachi argued.

"No, I'm not, yeah! I'm not going to tell her anything graphic, yeah. Itachi, go get me some ribbon!' Deidara demanded now that he had braided on side of her hair. All those times Deidara and Dana spent playing with each other's hair had finally paid off. Itachi glared and went off to get some ribbon.

"Are you going to tell me Deidara? Where do they come from?" Helena asked calmly. Deidara took a deep breath.

" Babies come from mommies, yeah." Deidara decided to start simply. Meanwhile, out at the card game.

"I like playing cards with Kisame, he's cool!" Dimitri said. Kisame truly felt that he was going to tear up because the kid thought he was cool. Chef Sasori was almost finished with his macaroni; he was slicing up the hotdogs into non-chokable pieces to stir in the macaroni when it happened….

"Oh shit! You stupid fucking piece of shit knife! Damn it! What the…oh hell!" Sasori had let the knife slip and had sliced the top of his finger…Dimitri had never heard those words before….he would have some questions of his own now. Which returns us to that other question…

"Thanks Itachi." Deidara took the ribbon from Itachi and tied it in Helena's hair. He began to work on the other side of her hair.

"I know that babies come from mommies, I came from my mommy's tummy and so did my brother, but how do babies get in there?" Itachi started to freak out, but Deidara was surprisingly calm.

"It's really quite simple, yeah. To have a baby you need a mommy and a daddy."

"Why does there have to be a mommy and a daddy?" Innocent Helena asked. Itachi was going to escape this conversation at this point but Deidara reached out and grabbed his arm yanking him back.

"Because mommies have something special and daddies have something special and you need both to have a baby, yeah." Deidara explained to her.

"Oh, okay….like what?" she asked. Itachi put his face in his hands. Back in the living room where the card game was going on….

"Hey Sasori, are you upset of something?" Dimitri asked.

"No, no…I'm….fine….just had an accident. I'm sorry you had to hear that Dimitri." The boy looked a little confused.

"Hear what? Did you say something bad?"

"Man, 'the leader and his wife must have a really non-dysfunctional home." Zetsu whispered to Tobi.

"Um….just forget about it Dimitri, here you want some macaroni and hotdogs?" Sasori asked pulling a plate down from the cabinet. Thank goodness that incident was diverted.

"You know I don't understand why you're telling her this anyway! Isn't that her mother or father's job to have that talk with her? Itachi argued.

"Because Itachi, if I'm honest with her now, she'll come back to me when she's 16 and brokenhearted and I'll have to have the 'some boys are heartbreakers' talk with her, yeah." Itachi didn't say anything, but he kind of looked like he was getting ready to cry, must have been a bad reaction to his newly increased rage pill dosage.


	3. Chapter 3 Emotional Itachi

"Sasori! You're a way better cook than my mom!" Dimitri proclaimed.

"I don't Dimitri, your mom makes sweet corn casserole." Sasori said.

"Eww, I hate her corn casserole!" Dimitri said.

"You know, that kid doesn't look like 'the leader' or his wife….do you think he's adopted?" Kisame asked Zetsu.

"Well, we've never actually seen 'the leader' so he could actually favor him." Zetsu said.

"Good point." Kisame answered. Sasori now had cupcakes in the oven because he was going to have a cupcake decorating fest later on; he knew Deidara would flip out with excitement. Speaking of Deidara….

"You mean I came from an egg? Really?" Helena was fascinated.

"Yes, you did and that egg is in your mother and that's why she gave birth to you, yeah." Deidara answered.

"But Deidara, why do you have to have a boy to have a baby, you haven't told me that." Helena simply HAD to know.

"No Deidara! Don't tell her! It will freak her out if she finds out something gets shoved…."

"Sshhhhh! Shut up Itachi, yeah!"

"Here's what happens Helena, it all starts when a mother and a father decide they want to have a baby, yeah. And then…"

"Zetsu, why do you look like some kind of plant?" Zetsu answered him only to find that Dimitri had a bunch o questions for Zetsu.

"What's the thing around your head? Does it hurt? How old are you? Is it cool being green? Have you ever had a girlfriend? Are your parents green? What are your hobbies Zetsu?" And his questions went on and on. It was then that Dimitri, Kisame, Tobi and Kakuzu decided to play the famous board game Sorry! Just when the current situation at the apartment seemed that couldn't get worst…Dimitri had a question of his own…

"You know other night at my house I heard my mom kind of screaming in her and dad's bedroom. They had their door closed, they always told me that when their door closed, I was never supposed to go in there. Why is that?" Kisame nearly choked on the tea he was drinking."

"This is all you Sasori." Zetsu said pretending like Dimitri had said nothing.'

"Um….well….maybe….they're….just…you know…doing stuff." Ah, Sasori had such a way with words.

"Like what?" Dimitri just had to know. "Damn this kid and the questions? What's with kids and asking stuff all the time. KNOWLEDGE IS NOT POWER!" Sasori said to himself.

"I don't know, maybe Twister?" Sasori said. Dimitri thought about this for a moment.

"Well, I guess that could be because one morning my mom had carpet burn on her knees." This time Kisame did choke on the tea. He couldn't turn blue from lack of breath…he was already blue, instead he coughed like crazy all over the Sorry board.

Helena's eyes were round like the moon. "…" was all she said. Then there was a long silence as Deidara handed Matilda with braided hair back to Helena. Then she smiled.

"Deidara! Thank you for telling me where babies come from!" She wasn't as freaked out as Itachi thought she would be. Instead she gave Deidara a hug. At this moment Itachi burst into tears and ran out into the living room. Sasori was more than thankful for one of his dramatic episodes for once.

"Itachi! We are SO glad you came out here! You're just in time! Why are you crying?"

"It's just that….it's…." Itachi stopped since he was sobbing like crazy. "Deidara's going to make such a wonderful father!" and the tears continued to pour.

"O…K…." Sasori said confused.

"Deidara just explained….he…he…he's just so paternal." Itachi sobbed some more. Deidara emerged with the seven year old in his arms, he was going to fix her a plate of the macaroni and cheese/hotdog mixture. The site of Deidara sitting her on the countertop while he fixed her a plate made Itachi only get more emotional.

"I…I…I wish I hadn't killed my dad! He never had 'the talk' with me."

"What talk!" Sasori demanded and Itachi explained as he dried his tears.


	4. Chapter 4 Fun at the Pool

"Wait, wait, wait….Itachi you're telling me…" Sasori said. Itachi had now clung himself to Sasori's shoulder.

"Yes! It's true….it's… it's all true! I found out on my own!" Itachi continued to wail. Sasori figured this would be a perfect time to get Deidara to explain Dimitri's question. And so Sasori told Dimitri to tell Deidara exactly what he had told him. Deidara had sat Helena beside her brother to eat her macaroni. Deidara listened to everything Dimitri said and he leaned over and whispered something to Dimitri. The reaction on that 11-year-old's face was priceless.

"Are you serious Deidara! THAT'S what the do when they tell me to not come in their room?" Ah, 11-year old curiosity.

"That's what they were doing, yeah."

"You told him? You told him? I tried to avoid the situation by playing dumb!" Sasori yelled.

"Hey, my parents were always honest with me, yeah! And look what a well-developed person I am because of it, yeah." Deidara insisted.

"Deidara, you walked in on your parents like what 7 times! They HAD to be honest with you!" Sasori argued. It was true, Deidara had figured everything out (EVERYTHING) by the time he was 10. Itachi, still in tears now watched as Deidara left a rather shocked Dimitri to mix a pitcher of tropical punch Kool-Aid. Usually, Sasori was the beverage mixer but currently Sasori was caught up in the game of Sorry, Itachi was finally beginning to dry his tears and regain his composure. So far, the babysitting had been overly educational but all and all it had gone well.

"You know, we could all go down to the pool later today, it hasn't been closed up yet. I noticed the kids brought swimwear." Kisame said.

"Can we? Can we really? Can we swim later?" Dimitri asked.

"Yeah, can we? Can we please?" Helena chimed in after him.

"That's a good idea, seriously. I mean kids love water and what better place to pray and splash than the pool?" Hidan said. Kakuzu rolled his eyes at him, the slightest things pissed Kakuzu off and Hidan's religious comments ALWAYS pissed him off.

"Yeah, we'll go to the pool later. After you two eat you can change and we'll go." Motherly Sasori said. Sasori was delighted that the macaroni/hotdog combination was such a hit, of course he knew it would be. Deidara finished mixing up the Kool-Aid and he poured glasses for the kids. Strange, normally when Deidara was mixing Kool-Aid he was pouring a healthy dose of vodka into it, but not for these little ones today, he'd wait until they were 16 and older to teach them that.

"Itachi, you go get ready to take the kids to the pool." Zetsu said washing dishes.

"You know I don't have a way with kids! Deidara, you're coming with me." Itachi insisted. He went to get ready for the pool. Eleven-year-old Dimitri was pretty self maintained but Helena required more attention so Itachi figured he would make Deidara look after her. The last time Itachi had been in charge of a child was when he was constantly forced to look after Sasuke because he was the older brother, who had the life experience…well actually it was because he had all the free time and usually Mikoto needed to cook and since Itachi and Fugaku hated each other, it seemed to work out.

However, if Itachi had known the pool would only bring about questions that children had to know…he probably would have never agreed to go to the pool.

"Itachi, how do I get to look like you?" Now, of course, Itachi took this as a combat.

"Dimitri, you will NEVER look like me…I'm sexy. I mean, I'm so sexy it almost hurts to look as good as I do." This was his reply. Now Dimitri was even more perplexed than he was with his initial question. "Ask Deidara, he'll tell you that I'm sexy." Dimitri was hardly satisfied with this answer.

"Well, I don't think you answered my question I mean you're in good shape, right? So when can I be in good shape like you? I mean I exercise everyday." Now the picture was becoming clearer….well to Deidara it was. Which was strange because he was usually the one who never understand anything.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Itachi asked getting frustrated.

"Itachi! You can't say hell in front of an 11-year-old you stupid fuck, yeah!"

"Well you can't say fuck in front of an 11-year-old either dumb ass!" And the profanity continued all the way to the pool.

"Dimitri you're too young to look as good as Itachi, yeah. If you wait two more years, you will begin to notice lots of glorious changes in your body, yeah." Once again, Deidara to the rescue.

"What do you mean, Deidara?" Dimitri asked.

"God, what is wrong with 'the leader' and his wife, do they tell these kids nothing, yeah?" Deidara whispered to Itachi who had just now figured out that Dimitriwas wondering why he couldn't have the perfectly chiseled out chest that Itachi had. He also figured out that Deidara was going to tell Dimitri about the wonders of puberty.

"Obviously not." Itachi said. Ah, the joys of kids…


	5. Chapter 5 Zetsu's Bedtime Story

Once back at the apartment, the kids had changed clothes and were ready to bed. This was Zetsu's cue to tell a terrific bedtime story to the kids before they headed to bed. So, Dimitri climbed on the couch eagerly and Helena was perfectly situated in Deidara's lap. Everyone was actually curious as to what kind of stupid shit Zetsu would come up with.

"Once upon a time there was a….purple snake….yeah a purple snake." Zetsu began. "The snake was a total bitch that screwed up everyone's life."

"Zetsu! You can't say bitch in front of the kids dumb ass!" Kisame yelled at him. Zetsu rolled his eyes.

"Fine! The snake pissed people off and he had a sidekick with an astigmatism."

"Zetsu, what's a stigma…tism?" Dimitri asked.

"He was near sighted!" Zetsu yelled. "Anyway, the snake and his near sighted son of a bitch sidekick were always doing stupid crap and trying to be cool. One time, they came to 8 guys' apartment and crashed a Friday night party. But….Meimara and….Obatchi (Zetsu had changed the names to make the story more believable….right like that was working) were too busy being drunk and making out with the guests to realize that everyone else was suffering!" Zetsu glared at Deidara and Itachi.

"Zetsu! Your'e story is too explicit, yeah! And, it's untrue….I wasn't drunk when I was making out with her, but I was drunk when she put her hands down my…" Zetsu cut Deidara off.

"Oh just hush! Let me finish my story! The kids like it!"

"Yeah! Finish your story Zetsu!" Helena said yawning.

"The purple snake and his sidekick also had an attractive 'project'. He wasn't as hot as his older brother, but he had a lot going for him. The 'project' may be sleeping with the near sighted sidekick, but no one could be completely sure. However, the fact that he has poor taste in clothes leads us to believe that he has some issues…oh and he's small for his age. So anyway, the purple snake bitch and his stupid friends all went on a white water rafting trip and no one came back alive…..the end."

"Wow! Zetsu! You tell the best stories!" Dimitri proclaimed. Deidara scooped the 7 year old up and took her to his bed to let her sleep until the leader and his wife returned home.

Now, the kids were in bed it was time to open up the 12 pack of beer and wait for the leader and his wife for return. It would be the perfect time to get in some quality conversation.

"Deidara, I have to ask. Why do you have such a way with that little girl?" Kisame wanted to know.

"Kisame, I love girls, yeah." Deidara said. Kisame rolled his eyes.

"And they love you….I'm serious! What is it?" Kisame said.

"And I'm serious yeah! My dad was hardly every home when I was little, I was in the house with my mom and Dana all the time…I was the man of the house, yeah! I took care of them! I love them…I love my girls, yeah!" Deidara made a sweet argument and if Itachi weren't already emotional from earlier in the evening, he would have never cried. But, he started crying again.

"I never helped my mom…I always let Sasuke bug her while she did laundry. Stupid Sasuke….he….he…he….ooooooooh….Deidara….hold me…."

"It's okay Itachi, yeah. Let me guess, Sasuke pulled all the laundry out of the laundry basket after your mom got done folding them because you weren't watching him, yeah?"

"How…how….how did you knooooow?" And Itachi cried some more.

"God, he is such a pussy when he gets emotional." Sasori said about itachi rolling his eyes.

"Beacause, Itachi, It was Dana's job to watch me and make sure I didn't do something stupid like that, yeah." Deidara told him.

Well, this wraps up the evening of babysitting. Akatsuki made $120.00 off those two kids…until next year…

Hope you liked it. I know it's a little early for this next fic but I want to make absolutely certain that I have it done by the end of October. So, the next story: Akatsuki Halloween Party


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